Day by Day...Petal by Petal...

Ayana means EternalBlossom

 Blog Part 1:
 http://ayana-eternalblossom.blogspot.com/2010/07/eternal-blossom.html


 Blog Part 2:
Day by Day....Petal By Petal...Our Flower Blossoms

 Image source: s691.photobucket.com

 It's been almost a year since the day my little flower 'Ayana' was born.In a couple days she is going to turn 1 year old! And yes....like most mothers say....I cannot believe that she is already that old!!!
Day by Day...she is growing into this cute little person,making us smile with her aa-ta,da-da, ma-ma,ya-ya sounds,with her giggles, with her silly pranks and making our day bright with her bright big brown eyes.

Looking at her today, gives me immense satisfaction that....as it is said rightly...'All's well that ends well'...
Today...she is all what a  little baby is, is doing all what she is supposed to do, is all what we had wished for....
There were days, when I have felt that this day would never .....ever come.That sun will never shine so brightly in our lives again.But no...'every cloud has a silver lining' and our 'silver lining' came with bright eyes, tiny hands and feet, little ba-ba, dada-da's and a ever smiling face:)

How have I felt over this 1 year???
How have I felt over this year.......I have felt like a ...Nurse..and a good mother ..a bad mother...a hypochondriac.....a sad person..and a very very happy person.

I felt like a Nurse........caring for the tiniest person I have ever seen and been with(Ayana weighed 2 lbs( about 900 gms when she was born!!).Sanitizing my hands and everything around before I could hold her. Watching a zillion times...day or night..whether she is breathing.Touching her to check if her body temperature is normal.Counting and checking her wet and poo-poo diapers.Writing down  her feeding journal...keeping track of every ounce she took...every ounce that she gained, how many times she spit up...

I felt like  a Good mother....when I watched the clock and fed her every 3 hours day or night( Manoj has a lions share in the 'feeding' routine.He is always up at 5am to give her the 1st feeding of the day).I felt like a good mother when I could give her all the nutrition she needed and was exhausted by pumping milk, freezing it, washing bottles, tubings etc countless times.

I felt like a Bad mother..when my body just gave up..and did not want to wake up at 2.30 am in the night for the mid-night feedings. When I did not have enough energy to handle 2 little kids and wished we hadn't gone for a second chance...When I wished I could go for that movie in the evening with friends and did not have to be back for the next feeding...

I felt like a Hypochondriac....when each of Ayana's sneeze was concerning and alarming to me.When she did not gain that 'ounce' she was supposed to gain over the last few days...

I felt like a 'sad' person...when I failed to look at 'what I have and what I should cherish' rather than looking at' what we had to go through'.With each Ayana's feedings that did not go well....when she spit up or did not finish that 3 oz bottle...when I cried like a maniac....

I felt like a Very Happy person....when I saw her taking leaps and strides in her tiny ways.When everything seemed 'in control' .When each morning after seeing us..she gives that big toothless smile of hers....when she crawls and follows Eshan everywhere.When I see her giggle at Eshan's silly pranks.When I see both of them playing together happily.When Manoj comes home from work and becomes another 'kid' with Eshan and Ayana.....
 
Day by Day ..Petal by Petal....our flower blossoms...into a beautifull flower:)

Lastly...
 (As said by Sharon Salzberg)
If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years -- we turn on the light and it is illuminated.Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on....